Saturday, January 15, 2011

Helping You Start Your New Year Right

Another year has begun, and you know what that means.  That's right, it's time for you to find some inadequate part of your life, and make a half-hearted attempt to change in that area, only to give up within a couple of weeks.  Of course, no one really keeps their New Year's resolutions and there's a simple cause for this: they are too hard.  Luckily for you, I'm here to help you find some more attainable resoultions for this year.  Take as many as you want from this list, but don't be ashamed to save some for next year.

1. Put on some weight

It seems that losing weight is one of the most broken resolutions each year.  I commend you for wanting to be healthier and possibly more attractive, but in resolving to lose weight you're really thumbing your nose at the rest of the world.  Most people are striving hard just to keep from going to bed hungry each night, and here you are with a fridge and pantry full of goodies, depriving yourself.  Instead you should be resolving to enjoy the bounties of living in the good ole US of A.  Let Cambodians have the market on skinny.  You're an American, and it's your right - no, your duty, to be obese.

2. Watch more TV

This one kind of goes hand in hand with number one. With cable, satellite, DVR, big screens and HDTV, there is absolutely no reason you should be spending your free time doing anything other than sitting in front of your television. Why resolve to get to the gym more when you can sit on the couch and watch contestants on The Biggest Loser working their butts off (literally)?

3. Yell at your kids more

There was a time when adults tolerated children because the kids knew their role - be seen and not heard.  Nowadays children are coddled and while it may make you feel better when you restrain yourself from beating the daylights out of them, certainly a little psychological trauma won't kill them.  In fact, when they are adults they will thank you for helping make them stronger.  What happens when they work for a jerk who yells at them all day?  They just grin and say "that's nothing compared to how my dad used to yell at me".  They have a nagging wife who never gets off their case?  "She's got nothing on mom!"  Don't think of treating your kids with love and compassion as nurturing them, think of it as weaking them.

4.  Be more judgmental

This one may be harder to accomplish, as you may find yourself already excelling in this area.  But it feels so good to look down on others that you always have room for growth.  Be sure to focus on externals, such as attractiveness, cleanliness, education - any area you can find a deficiency in another person where you perceive you are doing better.  Remember: it's tough to excel, but it's fairly easy to find someone doing worse than you.

5. Take up smoking

While it's hard to argue that smoking isn't an expensive, health threatening and stinky habit, once you take this up you are guaranteed to have a great New Year's resolution each year as you swear off your nicotine addiction for a few days in January for perpetuity. Plus let's be honest: controlling the burn rate of an object with your mouth is really cool.  And it's a great excuse to take a break from work every half hour.

6. Buy more portable electronics

Hey, the Chinese have to feed their families too.  Just because they're communists doesn't mean they don't have hopes and dreams.  Those hopes and dreams may involve crushing the USA, but who am I to judge?  Most importatly, it's way too easy for friends and family to distract you if you don't have an iphone, kindle or PSP to suck up your attention.  Interpersonal relationships are so 20th century.

7. Develop a phobia

Phobias are great conversation starters (for those unfortunate times when you're away from your tv and your portable electronics' batteries are low).  If you don't have a natural terror of spiders or heights, do some research on the web and get yourself an unhealthy fear of non-organic foods, or airport scanners, or Southerners.  The sky's the limit!

8. Procrastinate more

It's easy to brag about going back to school and getting a degree or building an addition on your house in 6 months, but it's even easier to talk about doing it and never getting around to it.  You may think people tire of hearing you talk about your big plans, but that's only because they do.

9. Comment on your favorite blog

It takes a lot of work to write a good blog, and even a mediocre one like this one consumes some of the author's time, which could have been spent watching tv, playing on their computer or judging others. Quit being a silent consumer and give some positive feedback already!